Age 13. My best friend Luke and I would come home from school and collect snow with a wheelbarrow to make a gigantic mound in order to gain speed down the backyard and fly off a ramp. This activity consumed my childhood each winter; borderline obsession. photo//Dad
200+ phone #’s that girls wrote down on cocktail napkins at bars. Scanned and arranged.
I am a 20-something, petite female who is DYING to get a ticket to the Vice Magazine Halloween party.
I have tried every way possible to guarantee admission to the party… to no avail. Fuck, I even tried to fake working at the Post and was outted.
To make a long story short, I love the magazine with a firey passion. It have read every issue since 2001 when I moved to New York and has inspired me in my live. I need to go. Period. I have run out of options.
I WILL have sex with you tonight (or tomorrow afternoon) for one of the tickets. No rough stuff. Don’t even mention greek. You come to my place in Greenpoint. You are drug free and clean. We will meet at a local bar before so I can see the ticket.
This party was like that moment in the Star Wars when OB1 Kenobi gives Luke Skywalker his first light saber (way before he gets his hand chopped off in Return of the Jedi and finger bangs his sister Princess Leah with the prosthetic.) He’s so excited he power boosts it up and a gigantic glowing blue dildo dominates the movie screen. Some lonely woman in the front row drops her popcorn and those creepy hooded dudes lurking in the background of the desert scene run for the hills. Soon C3PO is talking shit in 1000+ different languages just to keep you on your toes and R2D2 is laughing all the way to the bedroom because he only beeps and can’t really spit game, but he’s way cuter so the chick robots just wanna bang the nuts and bolts out of him. That’s kind of throwing an ironic wrench in the proverbial gears so I’ll digress. I got bored and started groping my estranged girlfriend at the time, but the music creeped her out and soon Darth Vadar lurked onto the scene messing up any chance I had of getting laid.
He’s wearing black sunglasses so he has no clue Luke Skywalker has a fake motherfucking hand programmed with Windows 95 and Quicken Tax Refund and is about to go cyborg on his ass. Soon there are these gigantic robotic dogs trudging through the snow with one pissed off Abominable wingman…or was that in the 2nd movie? Who gives a shit, what’s important is that they ran out of Milk Bones for Large Dogs so some asshole in a flying Honda Civic hatchback gets a rubber band and trips them up to fall on their faces because god knows without doggie treats someone is about to go postal in the middle of an Arctic wasteland 27 light years away from the nearest school nurse. Fuck!
Rating: 8/10