KillerWhalePettingZoo

I was sitting in my underwear checking emails when my cell phone erupted into a vibrating seizure. This was supposed to be a relaxing end to an evening, but I had a gut feeling that this was going to be one of those Tuesdays where it gets really fucking crazy/borderline sadistic. Considering it was 4am, and an unknown caller; the prospects seemed entertaining. I answered. Turned out to be a girl I had met three weeks ago. She called off her wedding and wanted to shoot some photos ASAP, probably to drive the nail deeper into her ex-fiancé’s heart. The day after tomorrow sounded good, but she seemed flakey with her busy schedule. I wrote her off; I can’t stand thinking about girls more than 48 hours in advance. Ten minutes later she’s on the phone saying she packed an overnight bag and is on the highway driving down from LA. I started frantically looking for my roommate’s bottle of rum and fresh rolls of film. Slapped a little cologne on and met her in the parking lot of a downtown motel. She was smoking Virginia Slims, which should’ve been the tip-off that she was horny, but I was young and naive.

So we went through a procession of outfits, and each time she would change in the bathroom as if I hadn’t seen a naked woman before. Then she admitted she was 35, and then that she had a kid, which translates to early 40’s and several kids. That was bizarre enough for me; I did the hyena/gazelle maneuver: grabbed her by the back of her hair and latched onto her neck… She wouldn’t put out.

“What the fuck!?! You drove all the way from LA to suck on my roommate’s bottle of Captain and…”
“I’m dating someone,” she said.
“He’s a multi-millionaire. We’re flying to his house in Paris this weekend and I’m going to get my breasts done.”

Well obviously I couldn’t compete with that. She’s not even dating one millionaire, she’ll drive to LA and set up numerous dates throughout the day, but she doesn’t sleep with any of the guys. I’d soon learn that she just prefers young cock like mine. Not only did she bring two suitcases full of crap, she brought all kinds of other emotional baggage.

“When we broke up he took the TiVo box, all I wanted was to lay around and watch Sopranos re-runs. Do we have HBO here? Actually I’m tired, let’s just go to sleep.”

So I woke up in the morning and was fed up with the whole situation so I started finger-banging her for good measures, or retribution for the bullshit I had to put up with. I mean what kind of self-respecting hotel puts the ice machine on the sidewalk and doesn’t serve breakfast? She didn’t stop me; I saw it on the Internet once, so I maneuvered her into some awkward position and waited for a reaction. She freaked out, but just wanted me to put on a condom. Smart girl, she already made that mistake several times; one of her kids was the same age as me. I hope it all comes full circle and I take a picture of him dancing in a seedy night club. We’ll talk about how I slept with some older woman and laugh unknowingly about it over glasses of aged cognac. Anyways, I’m getting side tracked. So Mrs. Robinson and I did it in a smorgasbord of positions until the hotel maid started pounding on the door and demanding something in Spanish. I speak Spanish pretty well, but not through ten inches of drywall. I rolled over in a tangled mess of sweaty sheets and derelict clothing. The numbers glowed back in red: checkout was 4 hours ago.

A couple months went by and I hadn’t heard from her. Can’t blame her; I mean if I was a heavy drinker and a girl brought over a near empty bottle of shitty rum, I’d be pissed too. This old guy I occasionally hang out with once told me, “It’s not how many girls you sleep with, it’s how many invite you over for a 2nd time.” The phone rang…… These days unknown callers get my heart racing, it could be a variety of possibilities from death threats, pleading drug addicts, to jury duty. How do these fucks get my #? Regardless, it was her again…my stomach dropped. “Want to go to Vegas at the end of the month? My treat!”