I recently went to a party that was like an optical illusion. It had huge sponsors fronting all kinds of money and little fucking key chains I probably didn’t want anything to do with, but I think if you stared around cross-eyed long enough some deranged dog would jump out of a bush like in those Magic Eye books. I never really understood Magic Eye, I mean the one time I tripped out on PCP was way better than the book because not only was I chilling with a bear or sloth (it’s not important right now) there was a damn palm tree growing out of the my Costa Rican hotel room wall. Why I didn’t go outside to hang out with real palm trees still escapes me. I would just sit near the bay window and watch the little lava rocks puff out the volcano cone like fireworks and ignite the derelict palms at the base. We were blazed out of our minds and on a Spanish school trip which basically fronted as the Central American Chronic Tour.
My Jewish/Lebanese friend, who was addicted to listening to Ibiza techno on his Walkman, somehow schemed that rolling up blunts in layers of cellophane and Vaseline wouldn’t allow a professionally trained dog’s nose to smell a whiff through his rudimentary cover up. I wasn’t really sure why we were bringing weed into a country that grows it in the jungle, but I digress. It was a royal fuck-up in the making, and we started sweating every time that Spanish-speaking German shepherd came within fifty feet of our one-way ticket to prison. So later in the trip we were beyond starving; with no 7-11 Mecca nearby; we did the obvious; called the front desk. Yea, we know the kitchen is closed and it’s 3 am, but bring us 5 cheeseburgers, 20 rolled tacos, 3 liters of coke and some ice cream motherfucker! Make it happen!!!
15 minutes later a knock on door was followed by an entourage of Costa Ricans carrying towers of white Styrofoam boxes. Where did all this shit come from? It didn’t matter; we ate it all till one-by-one we passed out. The next morning I couldn’t figure out why everyone was smirking and staring at me while I was standing in line at U.S. Customs. Maybe I was just overreacting and having flashbacks from the PCP. The German shepherd did kinda look like the sloth and what kind of asshole landscaper puts a fucking palm tree in an airport? Must be a Central American thing. Falling coconuts kill 80+ people per year. But most likely, the glaring eyes had to do with the bold swastika dominating my forehead.